Thoughts on motherhood
Thoughts on motherhood
Julie Bumatay
part-time teacher at Bakersfield Adult School and stay-at-home mom
Mother of: Grace Kathryn Ailun, 4½
Kelly Damian
former teacher and stay-at-home mom
Mother of: Ruby Jane, 4½; and Clara Marin, 7 months
Nina Ha
former television news reporter and stay-at-home mom
Mother of: Ashley Lauren, 4; and Benjamin Kent, 20 months
Michelle Quiogue Sperber
family physician for Kaiser Permanente
Mother of: Lucy Rose, 4½; and Emi Hope, 4 months
Q: What has motherhood taught you?
Julie Bumatay — It’s taught me to make more lists. I cannot remember squat. With motherhood, I lost half my brain, but I gained so much more. Seriously, I’ve learned to be more intentional, and I evaluate myself more. I am constantly asking myself questions about what I do. Am I modeling what I want to reproduce? Is there love in my tone of voice? Am I disciplining out of love or frustration? Do I have a teachable moment with her?
Kelly Damian — Motherhood has taught me humility. When Ruby was born I had a lot of opinions and beliefs about the “right” way to parent. I did a lot of research and was very confident about my parenting philosophy. Well, philosophy soon went the way of long leisurely lunches and now I realize that I don’t know anything. I try to remind myself that mothering is not about creating a shining, perfect human being. It’s about creating a tight bond between the members of our family, one that will keep us together even we are our least shining and perfect.
Nina Ha — Motherhood has taught me that patience truly is a virtue. Anyone who has ever tried to reason with a toddler in the throes of the terrible twos knows that it's a battle that can't be won. I've also learned that no matter how many times you've watched "Elmo's Potty Time," the kids always want to watch it "just one more time. Please?"
Michelle Quiogue Sperber — I have learned what it feels like to truly love unconditionally. I didn’t know how much my daughters would feel like a part of me until they were born.
Q: How do you balance motherhood with other important parts of your life?
Julie Bumatay — Many important parts of my life include Gracie, and I purpose to include her because that is the way she learns what I value. For example, she goes on outreaches with me, gives away groceries, and helps pray for people. Balancing is not always the goal, but rather combining the parts is. However, sometimes I call on family or friends for baby-sitting so that I can truly be present at an adult function, a date with my hubby or a relaxing pedicure. I also take advantage of the time Gracie is at school.
Kelly Damian — In order to be a good mom I have to do some things by myself. For me, those things are running and writing. I try to set aside time during the week to jog or write, but it certainly is hard to do that when kids are sick or teething or my husband’s work schedule gets crazy. I really try to stick to my mental health time because it seems that if I am balanced and happy, then I can do a better job of keeping everyone else on track.
Nina Ha — Photography is a passion of mine. I try to integrate it into my day rather than carve out time for it. In our family, playtime is often synonymous with photo op. Ashley and Ben Jr. are probably two of the most photographed kids in the world. My husband, Ben, and I are also starting to go on more date nights thanks to the kindness of some friends who volunteer to baby-sit.
Michelle Quiogue Sperber — I have the support of my husband, who is completely self-sufficient when it comes to caring for the girls. I couldn’t do the extra leadership duties that I am able to do as a physician without him. Also, I try to remember that quality time is more important than the quantity of time I spend with the girls. A couple hours of my full, undivided attention shows my love more than a whole day of distraction and indifference.
Q: What do you admire most about your mother?
Julie Bumatay — My mother has great strength in times of crisis, tragedy, sorrow, and in the midst of it, can still extend compassion.
Kelly Damian — My mom raised seven kids and worked full time. I didn’t really appreciate the magnitude of that undertaking until I had children of my own.
Nina Ha — My mom, Mary, is my best friend, my biggest fan, and my greatest mentor. She is the heart of our family and she has a way of making you feel like everything is going to be OK. She is beautiful on the inside and out. My grandmother was the same way. I feel so fortunate to come from such a long line of strong women. I can already tell that my daughter, Ashley, will continue this legacy.
Michelle Quiogue Sperber — Her courage. My mother sacrificed the support of her family when she emigrated with my father and me from the Philippines in 1975. Raising two daughters, sometimes by herself whenever my father’s Navy deployments took him away from us, in a new country demanded courage and perseverance.
Q: What’s the single most important value you want to instill in your child, and why?
Julie Bumatay — Love, love, love. I want her to know that my love is truly unconditional, and my love for her will remain the same when she makes good choices as well as bad choices. In turn, she will learn to love unconditionally.
Kelly Damian — I want to teach my girls to be compassionate. Right now Ruby is very concerned with the well-being of ladybugs, stray cats, and occasionally, snails. As they grow up, I want her and Clara to extend that level of concern to other people. I want them to see how their decisions affect the people around them. I hope that the love they are being raised with will help them empathize with others.
Nina Ha — I have always believed that nothing is more important in this world than love. Through our relationships with each other and with God, I hope that love is present in each and every single thing they do. It's the little things in life that matter the most sometimes. If my kids treat everyone they meet with kindness, act with integrity, and help others as much as possible, I would be the proudest mom in the world.
Michelle Quiogue Sperber— Respect. I hope that I can show by my own example and by bringing my girls to various experiences that respect is the key to connecting with people. I hope that they will respect themselves and always care for their own wellbeing. Also, I hope that they will respect others so that they develop empathy and understanding. Like most people, I want my girls to grow up knowing that they have a purpose and a responsibility to make the world a better place for future generations.
Q: How do you typically celebrate Mother’s Day?
Julie Bumatay -- Everyone in my husband’s family gathers around his mother to honor her. We remember God’s faithfulness to our family and how He has kept His promises to us. We shower her with love and gifts, and we pray blessing over her.
Kelly Damian — We go out to brunch. Last year we went to the Petroleum Club. I was impressed. Cream puffs in the shape of swans, lobster tails, flaming omelet station — what’s not to love?
Nina Ha -- In the past, I've enjoyed going out for a nice Mother's Day brunch with our family and friends. One Mother's Day, my husband surprised me by taking me to buy two bicycles and a baby seat so that we could go riding as a family around the parks of Bakersfield. That was my favorite Mother's Day celebration.
Michelle Quiogue Sperber — We haven’t quite established any traditions yet. But last year we celebrated with friends and family at Hodel’s. I hope that continues.
Q: What was the biggest adjustment you had to make in becoming a mother?
Julie Bumatay -- To parent and invest in my child, I’ve had to adjust my schedule. And that’s not a complaint. I love her, and she’s worth the sacrifice.
Kelly Damian — For me the biggest adjustment has been changing my time frame for just about everything. Eating in a restaurant now means inhaling my food in seven minutes, whereas a trip to the grocery store can take an hour and a half once we’ve picked flowers in the parking lot, perused the cereal box isle, gone to the bathroom, stopped to nurse the baby, gotten over the heartbreak of not getting the Lucky Charms, gone back to the bathroom for a false alarm, and then ridden the elephant outside the entrance.
Nina Ha — It's an interesting transition from having complete autonomy in your life to being fully responsible for another human being. I had to rewire my brain to make sure that I included the kids when making decisions from simple things like what to eat to bigger issues such as what I believe.
Michelle Quiogue Sperber — I have adjusted to needing less sleep. I don’t think I’ve had more than a few days in a row of uninterrupted sleep since Lucy was born. I definitely haven’t slept more than 4 hours in a row since Emi arrived. It’s a good thing they’re cute.
Q: What do you do to escape the stresses of being a mother?
Julie Bumatay -- I quiet myself before God. I put on some quiet worship music and welcome His presence. There is nothing that is more relaxing than God’s peace. I also have a wonderful husband who encourages me to take time to do things without the kiddo.
Kelly Damian -- When I was pregnant, teaching full time, and caring for my three year old I felt incredibly stressed and exhausted. Now that I am home full time with my girls I really don’t feel stressed. I do, however, feel like I might lose my mind when Ruby insists on listening to “The Hamster Dance” eight times in a row.
Nina Ha -- When everyone else is asleep, I give myself a few hours every night to enjoy what I call "Nina Time." It's time that I take for myself to do whatever I want. I could watch a movie, write a letter, or listen to music. Usually, I unwind by writing about the day's events on my blog. I post photos and videos of the kids for our family and friends. I also make sure to record all the adorable things the kids say and all the sweet moments that too soon become memories.
Michelle Quiogue Sperber -- I am lucky to have found my dream job. For me, the best parts about being a doctor are the responsibilities and privileges inherent in caring for and listening to patients. There are times during the day when I can just focus on work and everything else blurs in my mind. I try not to multitask so that I can just be present and make connections with people.
Q: What’s the best advice your parents gave you in raising your children?
Julie Bumatay -- My parents do not offer unsolicited advice, but when I do need their input, I certainly ask. My mother supports our parenting style and our values, and we appreciate her for that. Most importantly, she listens. My father is not an advice giver; rather, he is a teacher. When we are together, he shares what he has recently learned, or he says, “Let me show you…”
Kelly Damian -- My parents haven’t given me a lot of advice in regards to raising my children, but when I was a kid we were always on the go. Even with such a large family, we did a lot of camping and excursions. I remember loving those trips and I hope to do the same for my girls.
Nina Ha -- My mom constantly reminds me to cherish these days for time flies faster than we realize. She tells me that the same way that I hug and kiss my daughter and son is the same way that she and Dad used to hug and kiss me. I try not to let a day go by without counting my blessings.
Michelle Quiogue Sperber -- My mother is always reminding me to take care of myself: to get enough to eat and to rest. This is not just so that I am strong enough to take care of the kids but it is also living by example.
Q: What do you enjoy most about being a mother?
Julie Bumatay — I wouldn’t say there is one thing that I enjoy most about motherhood. I enjoy enjoying my daughter, and I enjoy knowing she knows I enjoy her.
Kelly Damian — I enjoy not being the center of my own universe. I think about my daughters’ health and happiness and well-being far more than my own. Interestingly enough, puttingthem first brings me more joy than focusing on myself.
Nina Ha — It's simply amazing to be able to experience the world vicariously through my kids. Even the mundane is somehow magical through their eyes. I love how they can swing at a park for hours, blow bubbles until they're out of breath, and then go on piggyback rides until we're out of breath. At the end of the day, the thing I enjoy the most is just holding and kissing them endlessly.
Michelle Quiogue Sperber — I feel overwhelming joy and gratitude when I am just laughing and playing with Lucy or when I am simply snuggling baby Emi’s sweet face.