It's after 1 a.m. I should have been in bed hours ago because I have to be up at 6 to get my daughter ready for school. But I am burning the midnight oil. Why? Because I am a member of an elite group--inMomniacs . Sure, there are your traditional insomniacs, but we're different, because we're sleep-deprived by choice. There is a whole group of us who, after the witching hour, are finally allowed to come alive in another way. Not that being a Mother isn't fulfilling--it's just all-consuming. Most minutes during the day we can barely get a word in edgewise, let alone form a complete, intelligible sentence. So while everyone else is catching zzz's, we trade the sleep we so desperately need, for precious alone-time. By day, we are car-poolers, nose-wipers, homework helpers, cooks, maids, laundresses and more. And we don't clock out at 5. But when the final eyelid closes on the last wakeful child, we tip-toe to freedom. For me the time is usually spent in front of the computer--catching up on e-mails, journaling, maybe watching a show on-line that I missed in between all the other demands of my day to day life. It doesn't really matter how we Mom's spend our spare time, as long as it doesn't revolve around anyone but us. Selfish? Hardly! The way I see it, it's the only way to stay sane. And after all, if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

For as long as I can remember, my parents have been adults. That is to say, grown ups, in the true sense of the word. I mean, financially responsible, 'together' people. Of course, I didn't really know them when they were younger and just starting out in the parenting game. But by the time I was aware of them they seemed to have the hang of it. That is, if you don't count high school when I just thought they were lame. Then there were my 20's, when I finally realized they were real people, just like me, and so I took them down off their pedestal and began to cut them some slack.

Once I had my own kids the appreciation grew even more. All that to say, I keep waiting for the adult thing to kick in with me. When am I going to get it all together? When am I going to know what I'm doing? In life, with my kids, my money, etc.

My Mom had finished having babies by the time she was 25. I didn't even start until I was almost 30. And my parents even took in other kids, as foster parents, and later adopted my two youngest siblings. Talk about a tough act to follow! Most days I can barely manage taking care of my own two kids, forget helping to raise anyone else's.

In some ways, things were much more clear cut back then. My Mom stayed home, my Dad brought home the bacon. But my Mom was a great homemaker. Good cook, great housekeeper. Me, not-so-much. I could blame it on my career, if I had one. But as a stay at home Mom, recently turned single Mom, I am floundering. Trying to find my footing in an ever-changing world. Never mind that I have a college degree. It doesn't make breaking back into the work force any easier when you've been out of it for awhile. Nor does it make leaving your kids to go back to work easy. Us Moms are torn between two worlds. Or at least I am. I suppose I can only speak for myself, but I think it is something a lot of Mom's struggle with. The trade-off, the balance. Juggling the two roles. Even with a father in the house it's no easy fete.

Luckily, I have great parents. Who support me and encourage me and love me in the midst of my insanity. And so I will figure it out (or at least I hope I will) eventually, and maybe, someday, my own children will think I have it all together. It's something to work toward anyway.